i m a g e: conflicted contradiction

There’s a point in some relationships where something happens. Something is said or done that catches you off guard, shocks you, makes you start questioning the person. Something so unexpected, long after you made yourself believe that nothing about this person could surprise you. But people surprise you, even someone you’ve known and loved all your life, who you thought could never act in certain manners, can turn around and do just that.
When this trust is betrayed, your image of this person is shattered. Some people are lucky, the shattered pieces may be large and few, easily able to be picked up and glued back together. It’s not the image you started with, it has its cracks and flaws, but it closely represents something you used to love, and might be able to love again.
Some people are unlucky, when their image is shattered, it falls to a million small pieces, and trying to pick them up will only result in you cutting yourself. You may look at the shattered pieces in disgust, wondering how you used to love something so broken, or you may sit there and cry, wanting so badly to put all the pieces back together, but the damage is beyond repair.
Regardless of whether you learn to love that person again, whether you leave them in disgust or spend your whole life mourning their shattered image, one thing is unavoidable: CHANGE. Things will change, and you will never look at that person the same way again. You will never see them with innocence, with unconditional love. You may never look at anyone like that again. not yourself, not the world surrounding you. It’s the cycle of human pain. Nothing will ever be the same.
 
Ernest Hemingway once said ” I’m not brave anymore, darling. I’m all broken. They’ve broken me.”
I feel like Hemingway was going through my mind/thoughts when he said that. I’m afraid that I am broken beyond repair at this stage. I am a person who wants to be needed, and when no one needs me, I feel empty. You see, Im a paradox. I want to be happy, but I think of things that make me sad. I don’t like myself, but I also love who I am. I say I don’t care, but I really do. I crave attention, but reject it when it comes my way. Im a conflicted contradiction. If I can’t figure myself out, there no way anyone else has. 
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One thought on “i m a g e: conflicted contradiction

  1. “You see, Im a paradox. I want to be happy, but I think of things that make me sad. I don’t like myself, but I also love who I am. I say I don’t care, but I really do. I crave attention, but reject it when it comes my way. Im a conflicted contradiction.”

    This!!!! Conflicted contradiction. 🙂 funny how poetic this sounded

    Liked by 1 person

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